Weight Loss Struggles of a SAHM

This has been eons since I have been on here.  I need to work on this more.

Well, 2010 brought us a surprise pregnancy and yep, it's a boy!  Jacob Ryan joined our family on 1/11/11.  We are in love!

Here's a picture:

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AcsXDZk3aN2LFSA

Wow, has this been neglected or what!

The end of the year proved to be hectic, and I didn't think to update this site very much.  I apologize if anyone is actually checking this.

As of today, I am down 19 pounds.  I would have loved for it to have been more, but I didn't remember that in the moments when the food looked so good.  Oh well.  This is a learning process, and I continue to learn every day.

One thing that is going to help me out this time around is a new challenge initiated by my friend Leslie on the 50+ board.  She initiated a "Red Carpet Challenge" since she's going to start filming a movie in the summer (how cool is that??), and invited people on the board to join her.  Over 50 people were interested!  We're divided into teams, and I am co-leading one with the fabulous Lololoser (a boardie).

SO, if you hear me referring to the challenge, or see me posting stuff to my teammates... now you know what it's about!  Basically, it's "biggest loser" style in that we're in teams, looking for the team with the biggest amount lost per week AND the individual with the highest percentage lost per week from the 5 teams.  The winner gets a mystery prize... ooooh.  Say it with me... "oooooh! aaaaaah!"

I know I need to own my weight number in order for this to work... so please don't judge me or make fun of me.  This is major putting this out there (as you have noticed, my weight chart for '09 was just my gains and losses, not the actual weight).  I'm anxious about people knowing, and at some point the number will be out there... but not now.  I'm just too embarrassed still. 

Anyway, I'm also closing in on a huge milestone for WW- the 10% mark.  Much research has been done that shows that losing 10% of your body weight has major health impacts and benefits.  I think once I hit 10%, I"ll share my start number (since anyone with any hint of math skills will be able to figure it out at that point anyway... LOL.  I don't know who I'm kidding, but it's just hard to admit where I let myself get to... )

BUT... I want to hit 10%.  I have been "on WW" on and off since 2001, and I have never hit that goal.  I will this year though.  NO doubt about it.  (unless I get pregnant, which would be shocking since we're not planning to try for at least a year!)

Well, I will do better at updating this, and would appreciate any feedback or encouragement you have!

It's been awhile since I found time to blog here.  Needless today, I forgot about October's goals, as we celebrated Grace's birthday and just experienced it all in the moment.

Without really paying attention to WW, that is...

After a few frustrating days, and a pretty depressing weigh-in this week, I entered today thinking it would be a "blah" day. Grace hasn't been sleeping well.  I haven't had time (or made time, more accurately) to swim.  The laundry's behind, the kitchen's a mess, and I'm just kind of down on myself.

Then, on the WW boards, something happened.  I was chatting with people and thought "there is no reason for me to be dishonest or hide my weight stats... I know I'm fat, everyone else knows I'm fat, so what's there to hide anymore?"

So, I posted my numbers.  It felt good.

Later on, someone else started a discussion for the "oldbies" on the board (you know, as opposed to the newbies) asking why we were having a hard time when we knew how to work the plan...

... and man, those floodgates are still opened.

I sat there, reading peoples' most intimate thoughts about weight, and cried.  I too am guilty of not working the plan that I KNOW how to do, because it's easier in the moment not to worry about it.  However, I thought I was the only one, that everyone else had found the magic combination, and that I was the only one floundering.  I'm sad, and happy, to find out that others struggle, too.

I posted, too:

THOUGHT: My newest start weight is my highest (not including being preggo, of course). And to think, when I joined the online community in 2001, Iwas 210-something. Boo. 

* When Cheech and I started dating, I was at my "highest weight" at 212.  I'd kill to be 212 now. 

THOUGHT:I eat because I think it's the only time I can give myself away from Grace. It's sad, really. I am "allowed" time to shower, use the bathroom, and eat.  I need to give myself time to work out, but I then think I "deserve" a break.  *sigh* What a mess.

* Interesting, that I'm so restrictive and don't allow myself to do something for me... for a variety of reasons.  I truly feel guilty leaving her in the gym daycare, so if I'm not comfortable with it, I won't enjoy the workout anyway.  Fine.  However, evenings when she's sleeping... mornings before she wakes up (although a crapshoot since last night she was up from 2-4am crying)... feeling guilty because Cheech has to work (as opposed to me.. sitting on my butt eating bonbons?  Do I not work, too?)  It's all me.  I'm my hardest critic, and my own roadblock.

THOUGHT: I'm crying. Seriously.  Tulip (a board member) mentioned being sad, and I think that's big for me too. I have a great life, a great family, a great husband, I get to stay home with my beautiful DD... and yet, I'm sad. This weight has been an issue for what seems like forever, and my self-worth is 100% tied to my weight.  I have been over 200 pounds since 2001. That's almost 10 years.While I didn't "miss" much of the 20s experience (I dated, got married, had a baby, etc etc) I still feel like so much of it was tempered by how much better I'd feel about myself if I lost weight. Heck, even my dad, who's pretty supportive, saw me try on my wedding gown and said "That's pretty, but will look so much better once you lose weight." It broke my heart. I feel like I just ripped off a scab even talking about this.

* More than once, I have looked at my wedding pictures and been so sad that I was fat.  I was happy, sure... but I remember having to consciously tell myself that day that I should feel beautiful.  I did, until I saw the pictures later.  I don't wish that on anyone. 

THOUGHT: I also feel like there is so much to prove, but all I have proven so far is that I know how to "try" to lose weight. I don't know how to do it. And I fear I never will... and that deep down, I'm really a failure. And because I fail at this, I am failing at every element of my life... including mothering my daughter (who just saw that I was crying, toddled over to me, and kissed my cheek. Aww.)

* This was huge for me to admit.  This always leads me to the "so what?  I guess I'll just be fat" mentality, and then I stop caring.  I can't stop caring now.  I have a child (a daughter no less) that needs me to model good behavior for her... physically and mentally.  I feel like I have to re-learn how to eat well, and teach her at the same time.  Luckily I have some time before she can dialogue about it.  I need to use that time well to get my head on straight.

And, I guess I must be doing something right.. Grace is obviously empathetic. 

The self-esteem thing is huge.  I need to work on it. I think I'm a decent person, but then I get wrapped up in how much "better" I would be if I were thinner... is that really true?  Who knows.  I'd be happier, maybe.. but then again, maybe not.  How would it be to lose all this weight and then find out I'm still feeling sad, lonely, and down?  What would I blame it on then?

*sigh*  Enough for tonight.  This is draining.  But, a HUGE  thank you to the 50+ girls.  You may have just allowed me to find the missing piece to this puzzle.

I do horribly when I have very specific time-frame goals (e- lose 10 pounds by x date), so these goals are a bit different, and I believe attainable.

For the month of October, I will:

* Work out 15 days out of the 31 this month

* Track every day no matter what

* Lose something each week (even if it's only 0.2)

* Enjoy DD's 1st birthday without obsessing about points too much

I can do this.  I will do this.  I am worth the time it will take to do this right.

While I know many people would kill to be in my position when it comes to being a SAHM, there are times where it's taxing.  Now, don't get me wrong... I would truly not trade this for any job.  However, that doesn't mean it's all sunshine and rainbows, kisses and cuddles.  Sometimes, it's messy kitchens, baby climbing your leg while shreiking, while the broccoli is turning to mush and the shrimp for the pasta dissolve to nothing, no adult in site for the next hour, and wondering how things came to be this way.

Not that this was happening to me tonight... nope. 

In the midst of my 6th day in a row being home with Grace (Cheech works Monday through Saturday), I'd had it.  No naps, a trip to Gymboree followed by a trip to an apple orchard, and teething don't make for a happy baby at 5pm... so she's screaming, crawling on the floor, banging tupperware into the large pasta pot, attempting to climb on the stove by stepping on the handle to the broiler...

I tried to be a good WWer, and cook a healthy dinner (shrimp and broccoli pasta).  Somewhere in the midst of ruining the broccoli and feeding Grace, I managed to consume 2 WW ice cream bars, a slice of apple pie from the orchard (thank God I only allowed my dad to leave 2 slices, and one was saved for Cheech), 1/2 a caramel apple, and a bowl of pepper steak w/rice (which didn't turn out well).

This put me in negative weeklies... AFTER I hopped on the scale and realized I was 1/2 pound away from hitting the 20 pound mark.

This got me thinking about this week's meeting, where our leader talked about the emotional reasons why we eat, and ended it with the quote "If hunger isn't the problem, then eating isn't the solution" or something along those lines (See Gina?  I DO listen while I chase Grace around the room! LOL)

Why did I eat?  Because I wanted Cheech home to help with Grace.  I wanted a break from the baby that I didn't feel that I got today,. even with the trip to the apple orchard. 

Now, don't get me wrong... Cheech is wonderful with her.  But obviously, someone needs to work, and so far this is the arrangement that works for us.  (He asked what I was writing about, and when I told him, he said "Please make sure to say I was at work so no one thinks I am a jerk".... hahaha, as if he could be a jerk... :))

It's hard for me to handle the emotional side of being alone with the baby so much... so I turn to food.  Some companion that is... it's been hanging around in the form of fat since 2003.  Haha. 

Well, it's time for me to figure out other ways to handle this... but I guess acknowledging it is half the battle... right?  Might be time to find another class or something to do with Grace... or find someone to watch her on a more consistent basis so I could have time to cook and freeze food, thereby making dinnertimes easier...

... a nap would be nice too. 

Sorry I have been slacking on my 30 Meals Challenge.  Money's been tight this week, so I haven't been able to buy all that many fresh ingredients and simply haven't put in the time to plan meals, so we have been eating out/making frozen soups and pizza a lot.  Bad stuff, I know.   We'll get back into it soon. 

This week I maintained my weight, which is fine considering the above statement.  However, this week is posing a challenge to me... 5 days in a row of semi-uncontrolled food situations.

Wednesday I met a friend for dinner at Bar Louie.  I had a veggie pizza (YUM) and a couple bites of a small dessert.  Not bad.

Thursday (yesterday) we had dinner by my folks last night to meet my brother's new girlfriend.  I went in with 16 points and 25.5 WPs.   I ended up with 12 WPs left over.    My mom makes baked ham, and it's AMAZING (she's the only one I'll eat it for).  I overestimated the points because it's near impossible to figure on how many (she adds so many little seasonings and things).  I loaded up on green beans and sweet potatoes (both which I asked her not to add butter to ahead of time, and she reluctantly agreed... she's a butter-holic, haha).  Then, I passed up homemade apple pie.

YAY!

Tonight, I'm going to dinner with one of my best friends who is pregnant, and requested my brother's restaurant (he's a chef for those who don't know).  I can do OK there because he'll make the food with little oil, etc.... just have to stay away from the bread!

Tomorrow (Saturday) is my aunt and uncle's 20th anniversary party...  we'll see how I do with mainly hor doerves... I'm thinking eat beforehand at home.

Sunday is above-mentioned friend's baby shower.  I need to find out the menu so I can plan ahead.  Her mom's a WW leader, so I think she'll understand me calling to ask... hahaha.

I'd love to, at the minimum, maintain again.

I'm no longer shooting for 10% by Grace's birthday.  I find that I mentally can't handle the pressure of a timetable right now.  Oh well.  I'll get there when I get there... but I will make 10% this time.

... but Grace just turned on the bathroom scale and stood on it, watching the numbers move around. 

My first instinct was to cry.  Not laugh, but cry. 

I'm sure she's just doing her usual "I want to do what Mama does" routine... but does she have to see that??  I told Cheech we had to hide the scale, which he thinks is a bit much... after all, she probably just wanted to see what it did... right?

Or, did I already manage to mess her up?

If this is going to be hurtful to her, I will stop.  I can learn to weigh in at meetings only, and I can avoid discussing WW at home around her (all she'll know is Mama likes veggies)... but I never even THOUGHT of the potential of her seeing me weigh myself.

Now, I know she's small, but when I get dressed in front of her, I already avoid saying "mama looks fat" or anything.  I make a point (even if I'm blatantly lying) to say "Mama's so pretty!  Look Grace, mama's shirt is blue!" or whatever.  I want her to see herself as pretty, so I need to do it too, right?

I don't know who read this.  I would appreciate some feedback and thoughts on this one... *sigh*

Today, for one of the first times in awhile, I felt like the "fat mom".

I take Grace to Gymboree, and she was one of the youngest in the class today (no biggie, only by a few weeks at times, the age for this class is 10-16 months).  All of the other moms (except 1) were stick thin... like, thinner than I could ever hope to be based on my build.  Even the ones that weren't twiggy were in far better shape than I am...

It's not like the class is strenuous by any stretch, but I still felt so out of place.   

I normally don't let myself think about my size compared to others too much, because it really hasn't held me back from anything that matters.  Sure, I might have missed out on a few trips to the bars because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin, but who cares?  I ended up meeting the man I love, getting married, and am a mom... all of the things I wanted in life... despite being heavy.  So, no big loss on the smaller social things...

But today, it bugs me.  I know it should not be the reason I feel alone right now, or why I can't seem to bring myself to make the effort to contact some of the people around me for playdates and things... but I can't help but revert back to blaming all of my issues on weight.  I know it's not about the number itself.  It's about how I let that number make me feel.    It's about the fear that one day, Grace will be embarrassed by me because I'm the "fat mom".  I couldn't even type that without crying, so how I'll live through it is another story... one I hopefully won't have to face...

I want another baby, but am putting it off so I can get myself into better shape and participate in next year's triathlon.  Is that dumb?  Is it stupid to postpone a sibling for Grace so that I can pretend that I can do something athletic?  What if I can't do the tri, and then missed out on the chance to have another child? 

Geez, aren't I a ball of fun today?  That's enough of this...

This has been a rough week.  It almost never fails... as soon as I set a "time frame goal", I manage to sabotage myself. 

I don't know what it is... if it's the people who say I can't do it, if it's me saying I can't do it, if it's just fear in general... maybe this week would have occurred anyway.  Who knows.  I was thrown off by a dinner for my father-in-law's birthday, where I just let myself lose control completely.  I was so disappointed in myself, but didn't correct any of the behaviors... I ate too much homemade pie, too much cheese, etc.

The meals themselves weren't the issue... it was the snacking.  I almost never snack.  I wonder why I did this week.  I'm hoping to break even.

On another note, 2 people on facebook announced pregnancies today, and I had a twinge of jealousy.  I'm surprised I did... I'm still up in the air about #2, but I know I want to lose a lot before I get pregnant again.  I'll already be high risk because of my previous pre-eclampsia, so I'd like to alleviate as many other risks as possible for the next one.  We'll see though.  OTOH, how long do I wait to have a second?  I'd like them to be semi-close, but...

Oh well.  Here's to hoping for a good week.

BTW, the 30 day dinner challenge has been SO fun.   Check out my menus!

I'm issuing myself a 30 day challenge, starting today:

For the next 30 dinners, I have to prepare something (or choose something should we eat out) different.

I tend to get in a food rut and cook the same 8-15 meals in a rotation, depending on my mood.  So, this will be an exercise in creativity for me.

A few rules for me to follow:

- each night of the week will center on a different "base" (chicken, turkey, beef, pork, pasta, vegetable and seafood)

- side dishes can have an element repeated (ie- broccoli or something) but not the day after (so, if corn is the side, I can't have corn on the cob the next day, but can later in the week)

- I want to make at least 1 strictly seafood dish (I'm not a fan) this month.  Any suggestions would be welcome.

- if we eat out, I should choose something I haven't had this month (unless it's out of my control- ie, a baby shower I'm attending at the end of the month)

So.... what do you think?  Feel free to provide me some suggestions... I'll be pulling most of the meals from Weight Watchers cookbooks or their website, but may try a few blogs online too!

*sigh* I'm anxious but excited!